4 Things You Need To Know About Going Childfree.
As I sat down to write this piece I battled with what to say and how to say it. The truth is someone always gets offended. I realised I could only serve myself and others when speaking about a topic which I really believe is a dialogue that we need to be having – and more of it! Jen Kirkman said it so well “…I think childfree is the new GAY. We’re in the disenfranchised group. People think we are irresponsible, immoral and selfish – and that our lifestyle is up for debate”
Growing up I can’t recall a single time that motherhood was something I aspired to. It was always a briefcase, the power suit and a well stamped passport. I am blessed to say, that at 42 years of age, I have been fortunate enough to create this for myself. Maybe today the briefcase is the new laptop bag and the power suit is the new "athleisure", but the passport is well stamped and still, motherhood is not something I aspire to.
There I said it!
Most people think the choice we make is selfish, but I personally disagree. Selfishness is about privileging your own needs above actual people and I am sure we all know plenty people, with children (and without) that do this. Me choosing not to have kids does not interfere with the needs of any one person.
The choice however was a process – one that as a woman – I personally questioned daily. For a large part of my twenties and thirties it was something that consumed much of my thinking, not because I was not sure of my choice, but because I really knew motherhood was not something others wanted for me and perhaps they know something I dont. It left me feeling rather conflicted. The self-doubt, questioning and not trusting my " inner purpose" or gut stemmed from a collection of things. It was all the opinions of others alongside those dreaded facebook targeted ads, you know the ones, that somehow miraculously see you are married or in a relationship and childless so obviously you are battling with fertility, because let’s be honest, why would this even be a choice. This was magnified by the ongoing comments coming from strangers, friends and of course a society where motherhood is at the crux of who and what a woman is supposed to be. Finally, there is nothing more pressuring than that annual gynae appointment where you are reminded that your eggs are not getting any younger and tick – tock sweetie…you need to make a choice.
My choice is just that, my choice and it was something at the time that my ex hubby and I discussed on numerous occasions when it was our choice. Once we got married, plenty of friends and people asked the usual stock standard question such as “When are you having children?” and while the majority of our friends went on to have one, two and some even three children, our answer always was the same – “never!”
Generally speaking, it is always a woman who battles to understand the choice to go “child - free”, well it has at least been in my experience. I won’t lie, I did question my decision a couple of times as I knew my ex-husband would be a brilliant father and the world really is richer with humans like him in it. He was and still is a great role model for children outside of us not having our own at the time. Looking back however I think we were always very responsible about our choice. It was always a joint decision and a discussion we would ensure we had every year to check in and see if anything about our situation and decision had changed. Nothing had. We even went so far as to go to the fertility clinic to look at having my eggs frozen so that we had options down the line should we change our mind.
Even now, that we no longer share a life together, I still and continue to consciously choose a child- free life. I have often been left to defend my decision, a decision which is often chastised and challenged and more than often leaves me feeling uncomfortable. I know my current boyfriend has defended and supported my decision too, understandably so – he is younger than me and the people that love and care for him are worried this might be something he will be missing out on further down the line. He too would be a great dad because he is an amazing human and I appreciate him even more for his maturity to have the discussion and understand the impact my personal choice could potentially have on his life.
I have faced many difficult situations regarding my choice. I am sure most are done with good intentions or perhaps just a lack of understanding because it is human nature to question others life choices when they are vastly differently to ours but I do wish the world could really respect ones choices, irrespective of whether they agree with them or not, this goes for sexual orientation, religion and well yes, the list goes on. It’s also just pure shitty to look down on others because their choices are not like yours, and it’s also shitty when someone tells you that you will regret your decision, that you will die lonely, be a crazy old cat lady (I’m allergic by the way) or that you will certainly change your mind. There is a lot of thinking and processing regarding this choice. Trust me; given the magnitude of the decision, it’s not made lightly.
So this is for the woman (or couples) that are still questioning if parenthood is for them, for the people who secretly assume women who choose a child - free life are less than and for others that genuinely want to know if you can still be happy without children.
Know this:
1.You can still attend a baby shower! Just because I am childfree does not mean I dislike children or don’t enjoy being around them. Perhaps I can’t contribute as much to your conversations since I have not shared your pregnancy or motherhood experiences but I am still quite happy to have a glass of wine and raise a toast to you and celebrate your choice – motherhood.
2. I am still a complete human being. Motherhood is just an option (and sadly some women don’t get to choose the option) it should however not be seen as a criteria to fulfilment.
Family does not have to be blood. My christmas table might not look like yours, but I hope that the people around it feel as loved as they should, no matter who sits around it. I won’t get bored of doing eventually "whatever I want" and if I do, I will travel more, learn a language, give my free time to a charity or open my home to rescue animals. I have meaning in my life. You really can still make an impact and have meaning in the world without having children of your own. I am hoping Mother Theresa and Oprah Winfrey are testament to that.
3. I still have a rewarding life. Outside of getting to leave my apartment in 60 seconds flat and peeing in peace ,I promise you there is joy in so much I do, see and experience. I am genuinely not worried about who will look after me when I get old. There are no guarantees anyway. I know plenty people who don’t even have a relationship with their parents and plenty people who have their parents in an old age home and never go to see them. Point is, I will be quite happy if I am surrounded by good friends and children that I have met and nurtured in my journey and hey if all else fails – they sell robot companions in Japan.
4. Your prized possession is your child and I genuinely love and understand why. Mine however is the freedom I have without children, the people I surround myself with, the travel experiences I have been fortunate enough to create and of course my gorgeous dog.
So after a lot has been said and if I still have your attention – this is my rallying cry to all the woman (and men) out there … Let’s not shame women for choices that might not align with yours or to stigmatise woman prioritizing personal goals and self-care above parenthood. It is after all 2020 peeps, so next time you meet a woman who chooses a child -free life, try not to judge and if you must say something - the appropriate response should be “Right On Guuurl!”
** This piece was written from my personal view point and based on my life experiences. It is not meant to offend in any way, shape or form. I salute all the parents out there and I commend the women and couples who continue to struggle with fertility issues in the hope that they can have children. We all have a journey – this just happens to be mine.
